Big News Today

Tom Cruise Dumped Yesterday, Pluto Dumped Today

Tom Cruise (a star) was dumped by Paramount yesterday. Pluto (a planet) was dumped today by the world’s astronomers who were meeting at a International Astronomical Union conference in Prague. They agreed that the word “planet” generally could be used to describe Pluto, but its technically a dwarf planet (not ot be confused with a dwarf actor). So now the total of planets in the solar system is 8, not 9. So now all your science books are innacurate.

Here’s some parallels:

Yesterday – Viacom chairman:

“As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal. His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.”

Today – To rephrase the scientists:

“As much as we like Pluto personally, we thought it was wrong to renew its deal as a planet. Pluto’s recent conduct has not been acceptable to the scientific community.”

New definition for a planet:

“a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a … nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.”

New definition for Tom:

“a celebrity body that is seen often in The Sun, has sufficient ego for his self-gravity to overcome rigid scientific forces, or so he assumes… fathers a nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around his career.”

Related: Pluto demoted